Yesterday my holiday truly starts because they all were having examinations.

I went to Clementi at 10 freaking am yesterday just to play badminton and I must say it's quite worth it. Haven't worked out for quite a while and at the same time I've got to know Dewi better which is good. Ran like mad though.
Had lunch and she showed me around that area. There's this shop that sells branded rejects (Puma, Adidas, Juicy Couture etc.). Otherwise it'll be just the usual residential town ((:

Took the train to Tampines and slept all the way. It's 20 stops awaaaay. And headed down to Giant for some shopping and time by myself. And after that caught a movie with him. Sex And The City! I pity those below 18. Haha it's a good show, raunchy and funny. OH AND. Of all people I met at TM was my brother. Ohmygod let's just hope he doesn't tell my mum who was with me =/



My week had been fine; playing soccer on Tuesday (awesomeness) at Khalsa Association on turf and met some of the S-League hotshots. Not that I know them. Went to meet Reena for bull and Loretta for lunch that I treated her for her birthday.
Wednesday Thursday was teaching all the way, with the most annoying child messaging 'hi baby' on my phone to the aircon man. =.= End quite late past few days. Then found PSP for Huzaifah. He called last night to say thanks and boy you could count the number of sentences he talk through the phone with ONE hand. God how's he going to nail a girlfriend is a wonder.


So today all I'm teaching is Vincent. Hurrah for slack days. Need to get my prepaid for overseas purposes.


Ever thine,
Ever mine,
Ever ours.

(:

ofblack&white
12:32 PM

Last week's end of examinations don't exactly mark the end of busy days, for Saturday's was a 9 to 9 affair, falling asleep only at 1ish and having to wake by 9 the next, reaching home only at 7. Life tutoring akin full time proved to be quite torturous with ever-demanding students and travelling by public transport. Painful, tiring and mentally brain-draining.

So yesterday after sending text messages saying NOT to bother me that night I turned in at 9. Oh the bliss of having nearly 12 hours of sleep. But of course, I woke up to that horrible cycle of 9 to 9 out of house.
Draining, really.

Anyway last Friday after that horrid PBF paper which I walked out halfway through I went off to meet him for lunch, waited for his prayers to end and walked the length of T2, chatting and laughing at stupid jokes, yidiyada. Then off to meet Naz and Syahril for the day. Haven't met Syahril for mother long, shared stupid stories.

Today was a 9 to 9, ending tuition at 6 then off for PSP research for Huzaifah and dinner with CJ. Missed my fish soup noodle but then it doesn't excite me anymore. Need all that spice back.

Talking about food, my aunt bought me 10 kueh changs hurrah. They're so filling and compact, can bring it virtually everywhere! God talk about useful (and cheap!) and nice food.

Oh lately bestfriend Matin and bestfriend Qistina has been furiously keeping in touch with me. So, in short, I'm Matin's new part-time girlfriend (the one he calls when he wanted to call his girlfriend but can't so he made a detour to me) and I'm Qistina's baby sitter, being there virtually till she feels sleepy; she hangs the conversation midway.
Whatever that makes them happy eh.



Now it's 2321, I think I should sleep now so I won't slaughter any students tomorrow due to my short of sleep.
Tomorrow proves to be a fun kinda day because I'll only be teaching one kid then out to meet Reena, then Loretta for lunch, then soccer the evening!

How awesome.
Need my sleep, and still wondering where I stand, on the field, the other side of the field, or not anywhere.

ofblack&white
10:39 PM

Of course when night draws I am plagued with the most random and peculiar thoughts.

I just think through and tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I proclaim my biggest problem,
the Attention Span.


I don't know if it just apply to studies or games or even people but I do realise that I couldn't keep focus, or rather, interest in something for so long.

Which is good because
1) If I'm keen to get a particular something it'll probably go away (now that I think of it most of my items are impulse -.-)
2) it keeps me away from little distractions that may have adverse effects(ie. I used have this crazy fascination for Egyptian history that I forsake everything, and I MEAN everything, just to read and dwell and surf about it, how horrible!)

But it's bad because
1) It just means it'll be tough for me to have anything long-term because interest fizzled out as fast as interest came about, like when you dump sodium into some acid.
2) I cannot focus on studies because... (refer to number 1)
3) It makes me seem flighty.
4) It makes me lose money (especially on those impulse buys)
5) It means I leave most things hanging.


I'm not so concerned about studies or what people perceive of me (like that flighty thing) but I'm more worried for matters such as a relationship, or even friendship.


Or to be precise, the opposite gender.

Now I'm slightly losing interest in him already. I don't know what's it with the males but they failed to keep me interested for long (I blame them for my gay tendencies) because they kept on the same ol' same ol' talk. Sometimes I feel they don't have much in the conversation department, or maybe just no appeal (to me at least). And there were those nights a particular one gets all maudlin and emofuck and expect me to do something about it. Whatever they talk about usually, well unfailingly, revolves around them after the usual little obligatory pleasantries are over. Blabbering about some vehicle or game or work and expects me to totally understand, appreciate, and have the same thoughts about it.
The nerve!

But yes, the point is, I'm never properly have interest in any of them much (except for this particular chinese boy from 4J...) and that's really sad because in the attempt to not stray from the righteous path and be straight I have to develop some interest in some of them, one of them, ANY of them to certify that indeed, I'm no longer bent.

And it goes for friendship at times, and it's really bothering me. Like how a person I don't know well intrigues me and when I know his/her lifestory I tend to be aaahh not them again. I get bored easily. I don't like to linger around for long because I don't want to be sucked into 'their' vacuum, their life.


I know I sound like a selfish brat but bear with it, we're all human.



God I can't even sit through movies at times because the movie exceeded my attention span -.-
Or read a book.

Sigh.


Of course there is an exception to short attention span and this is exactly what I am trying to NOT have interest in.

...

I don't have to spell it out do I?

ofblack&white
12:26 AM

"For I am the first and the last.
The wife and the virgin.
I am the mother and the daughter.
I am she who's wedding is great.
I have not taken a husband.

I am senseless and I am wise.


Come forward to childhood and do not despise it because it is small and it is little.
And do not turn away greatnesses in some parts from the smallnesses,
for the smallnesses are known from the greatnesses.



I am the one who is honoured, and who is praised.
I am knowledge and ignorance.


I am shame and boldness.
I am shameless;
I am ashamed.
I am control and uncontrollable.
I am strength and I am fear.
I am war and peace.
I am the substance and the one who has no substance.



But I, I am compassionate and I am cruel.
Do not hate my obedience
and do not love my self-control.

I am the union and the dissolution.
I am she who exist in all fears
and strength in trembling.
I am she who is weak,
and I am well in a pleasant place.


And I am an alien and a citizen.
I am the silence that is incomprehensible,
and idea whose remembrance is frequent.
I am the voice whose sound is manifold,
and the word whose appearance is multiple.


For I am the first and the last."

ofblack&white
7:23 PM

I'm back from that short and tiring trip to Malaysia Truly Asia. And I did some of that soul-searching thing whilst staring into those boring rows and rows and rows of trees that whizzed by.


By the way we left Singapore at 11 freaking pm and reached Malacca at 2 am. I worry at how my dad sped. I remember waking up for a moment only to see the needle hovering between 160 and 180km/h. At night. You don't know how bad my dad's eyesight is at night, worse than mine. Which says alot. So I find myself reading a prayer, asking God please if He wants to take my life on the North-South Highway let it be quick and painless under the full moon, I don't want to suffer. I was dead serious about it and got really frightened.
When I look back it sounded quite hilarious though.



I always wondered what would happen if I were to simply disappear from the map, would people miss me, would there be those who secretly smiled at the thought, or would they mourn not for my physical lost, but rather what I could provide them? When I came back and finally switched on my phone I was flooded with messages of emotional distress, people unable to sleep, economics questions, the simple cheer up thing. I did wonder if these people have their other 'me' to text and that nonsense.

Haha silly thoughts at night. Shouldn't be entertaining them.
Good night!

ofblack&white
12:40 AM

Weather have been that nice sunny yet windy nowadays. How awesome ((:

Yesterday i started teaching at 0750 hrs and it's bloody killing me, this lack of sleep. Was getting cranky towards the noon and I finally gotten my sleep in the bus. I think I cannot function without at least 6 hours of sleep.


So I dropped of the bus and got a can of green tea from the nearby mama shop to refresh, and along came some primary school girl who asked politely if she could sit opposite me since the other seat was occupied by a sleeping open-mouthed old man. And here we started conversations. I was quite taken aback by her politeness and good command of English. And at a mere age of 9. But she should know that I might just kidnap her, didn't mother say to not talk to strangers?


Anyway I was just randomly surfing youtube few days when I came about to meet Daria Werbowy, the 9th highest earning model (can be regarded as a Top Model). I knew I saw her face before but unfortunately didn't pay much attention to it. So now, in all beauty and glory, is the face of THE most gorgeous female in the world (in my opinion at least).




Sexiness!
And smart too ((:


Ah, in a few hours time I'll be in KL people. Don't envy me because I don't really want to go but I'm going to make my mum happy.


Last night in all tiredness He made me see her again in my dreams and when I woke up I willed her face to fade away from my mind.

Enjoy the weekends.

ofblack&white
6:48 PM

Hello, sweet avenue for random thoughts and dark humour. I wonder what I could share today. I thought of nothing more and nothing lesser, save for fixating my mind temporarily on little minders; otherwise nothing more and nothing lesser.

Life has been bland. There were no joy that made me cry, nor sadness that made me cackle. Just a mixture of nothingness. No lines of hardness nor curves of softness that could awaken the reflection, to move it and give it life. Mechanical, as it all seemed, as in all that is done, and all that I did.

I ponder at how I could stand, having my two pillars of strength crumbling beneath and shaken, unable to look up, unable to face tomorrow and yesterday. Under the pleasantries there lie that dark twisted line that kept us sane. Nights that grew cold and unnervingly dark, welcomed with wide open arms. Walls built were made even higher, almost impossible to jump across. Harder to embrace that cold bitter soul huddled in a corner with strangers.

No thoughts that could comfort, amidst all that seek and destroy. Afraid to slip into dreams that turned fear into faces I could name. Associating all that complement and contradict into a massive bowl of screaming voices that woke, that haunts even in wake. Couldn't find much solace in all that I trust, for trust rang hollow as I speak it.
All influenced by the root of mass destuction: Thought.
Acting out by the weapon of mass destruction: Words.


So yes, sweet Avenue, that's all I have to share,
That's life in all it's glory and shame.

Tasteless in my opinion.

ofblack&white
12:22 AM

Yesterday, I finished 3/4 of all my papers. To most people who messaged me asking how was my paper yidiyada I jokingly said I was sad because I couldn't get full marks (it's that annoying compulsory sequence question that I touch and go for revision, oh the horror!). Ah but it was a good paper, Mathematics 1. Math 2 was quite a struggle. Second orders was quite tough and the matrices really scared me, hopefully I'd do ridiculously good for 1 so that it could pull up 2.

Anyway did I talk about the stats paper? Statistics 1 was ok, doable I guess. But Stats 2 was just beyond me. To say it was tough would be an understatement. I really hope I'll scrape through for that because I don't want to retake that module. And I hope my ANOVA table's right.
Sigh (shouldn't sigh, my students kept reminding me of late that sighing will result to faster aging).

I went out dinner with him after my paper and was having a massive headache due to the lack of sleep and lack of food (especially food). The day before I ate and studied at the 24 hour mama coffee shop with Kat (for a while) and Wei Chun till 0030, went home and realised I haven't done the laundry. And slept late. Oh the repercussions of not-enough-sleep.


Anyway of late I always felt this haziness, like I'm here but not here. An out of the body experience (especially at home). Like I'm looking at myself from another person's view. Don't know what's wrong these days.


Tired, feeling quite that even though I woke up at 11. A really nice and looooonngg sleep. Got to teach soon. Of late students are being exceptionally nice and doesn't argue with me (Afifa being quite an exception at times lol). Oh ya you know Mun if you were to read this I'd think Fifa is a replacement of you. I don't know to be blessed or just be appalled. Haha I think I'll have a Mun-student every year. But anyway at least Mun doesn't come up with HUNDREDS of theories to pass and do well.


I can't wait till the 30th of May. ALl their exams would be over. My holiday will start then.
See you soon love.

ofblack&white
1:18 PM

Of all the people in the world there is one that I hate, if despise is too strong a word, I'd say hate.

I have never liked the sight of her, eyes so empty and cold. With a mouth twisted into a grimace I've always wondered why others called it a smile.

I'd like to think I know her best, or maybe I do know her best. Only I know her extent of selfishness. So self-indulgent and spoilt and stubborn, it's beyond me.
Hard and bitter, so brittle sometimes I wish I could smash her to pieces.
So arrogant I don't know what's gotten into her head. She's always lost in her own world; whenever I tried to reach out it's like grasping for air.
So many times I tried to save her from falling, and falling, into oblivion, and there's the many times I failed. And when I tried to tell her it's wrong, all I got was a stare that ooze defiance.
Why did I even try, I questioned. I don't know, I don't want to see her wasted, before my very eyes.
And when I do see her (as I do everyday) she scrutinised me so hatefully, so shamefully. I couldn't decide on either.

And so,
whenever I looked into the mirror,
I saw eyes so cold and empty staring back at me...

ofblack&white
11:00 PM

Ah I was being very immature on Tuesday, letting my impatience get the better of me. A student made me so mad, I just left her house after I blew my top. Pei En was much verbal therapy and had a nice dinner over.

Anyway yesterday I went to meet an eBayer for collection of item. I remember the day before I told Pei En how not sexy the woman sound like over the phone and "oh there's nothing to look forward to" but oh, how treacherous the voice is. In person, this Karine woman is by far, the most prettiest sexiest and of course fittest (well you can't be fitter than a fitness instructor right?) woman I've seen in Singapore.
Wow. LOL. Went to meet Wei Chun for Economics and after met Loretta for more Economics before sleeping at 11 and waking up at 8 in the morning.



The paper turned out to be quite different, and by no means tough. I saw the first question (it's usually about the PPF and bull) and it just broke me for a moment because it's about TWO economies. Wasn't prepared for that but managed to finish the paper on time and I could say I'm quite satisfied, that even if I don't pass/not a good pass/disappointing results at least I know I tried my best.

Lately my some of my friends are being sad and it isn't their fault for being sad but it just makes me sad seeing them sad (like a tongue twister). It wasn't nice seeing Kat sad, neither was it any better HEARING and seeing Matin sad.
Sigh. I feel bad not picking up his calls the past two nights because I was sleeping for rest for exams and all the bull. And he said I'll be okay when clearly he wouldn't be. Lies.

Ah tomorrow is Statistics, I don't know HOW I'm going to survive Statistics 2 but knowing me I'll get through the two hours hoping to not feel guilty or shitty. I know I can!

ofblack&white
7:24 PM

So during the weekends my parents all but up and left for Malacca on Saturday morning after thinking about it for oooh 15 minutes. So I was suddenly left all alone for the weekends and of course, what a better way to start your day with a most sulkiest student that I would so love to punch her face in -.- And for lunch (since it's not provided; no parents = no food) I met Cj at Parkway for (what else do I eat) fish soup noodle with milk and proceed to teach her at Coffee Bean.

We ended up at Borders watching Bee Movie from start to finish after tuition. Man our butts were quite sore. Booked Iron Man and while in the bus we played Connect Four. It's quite an amusing game, you've got to put thought to it to win.

Anyway Iron Man was awesome Gwyneth Paltrow was so sexy (in that innocent way) and Robert Downey Jr is attractive. He could be a good Bond I reckoned.

Headed home and she was so happy she got to taste my grandma's exquisite rendang. Lol and she stayed around till 2330 when I sent her off and met him to sup (: I stayed out until quite late I suppose since my brother called me for whereabouts (which is something he rarely does). And we walked in an open field heads up to a canopy of stars. Was beautiful. Lately stars appear in their hundreds.


The horror to rise and shine and headed to Mydin all in the sweltering heat. I thank the government for air-conditioned public transport. I was hang-manned by Yana chan for a number of times. I don't know WHERE she got her weird words and names and desert names. -.- Was thinking of heading over to her residence but Vincent had to push for early slot and I had nowhere to go sooo I bothered the Man and go lunch at Bugis.

Ah I was in such an annoyed mood today because people simply to choose to annoy me now, today, of all days! Mondays are suppose to be good day people, try understanding that for my sake.


And this had been on the tip of my tongue for quite a while now.
So now, I'm on the brink of being straight. He is good and everything you could ask for. And there I'm sure some of you were having thoughts about it.
Why? When I'm pining over a girl you moan and say it's wrong Ili wrong and now I have a man and all I ever got was "don't go for him just because he got the money" or "don't you think the age gap is a little too much?" or even "are you just using him for financial and being able to boast about it?" If ever anyone have that notion I'd say go fuck yourself over and jump off to Antartica and get raped by polar bears. No, seriously. I'm just annoyed at how people have a shallow perception of me. I know I sometimes portray myself in that light but I'm sure you all have heard of the term 'putting up a front'. I'm not shallow nor am I superficial. If you know me well enough you would know. I've had about enough with people saying "oh now you don't have to be so broke you can just live off him" and those nonsensical jibes.

And so I'm still deciding about him because in a corner of my heart I know I'll still be, in a way, attracted to my own kin. And I am over and done with with that particular girl everyone knows about but I shan't disclose names here. And now, trying to get over another. Life sure is funny.


Oh, today is the fifth of May.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIM MAY YEE TINY! Haha don't give me that face to the message ok it was actually meant to mean well!


Good night.

ofblack&white
10:47 PM

On the 26th of January 2007, ustazah Sharifah Badariyah Alsagoff passed away.

And now, his husband, on the 2nd of May 2008, ustaz Ahmad Alhabshi, passed away slightly after 1930 hours.



May God bless them and forgive their sins. No doubt for that because they're the two most holiest people I've met in Singapore,
and left us alone.

ofblack&white
11:08 PM